When Kirk Met Kirk
by xXxTOXIC-MIDNIGHTxXx
Summary: The Starship Enterprise Crew has fought many foes, but they're about to face their biggest yet... a simple civilian named Kirk! Will they be able to hold themselves together through his antics, or will one of them break down and kill him? Find out!


"So,... your name's Kirk?"

"Yep," replied the captain.

"That's cool. That's my name too. Kirk Gleason. I'm very proud of it. Say, maybe our moms have the same reason for naming us Kirk?"

"... It's because that's legally my father's last name, therefore it's legally mine, too... so..."

"Oh I see. So you surname is Kirk. What's your first name?"

"James."

"Oh. I knew a James... well, actually his name was Jess, but he looked like a James... just because Jess seems more like a girl's name, you know? It works for a girl. For a guy? ehh, not so much... Jesse maybe, and even then you have to be Jesse James or the dude on Full House to pull that off... Jess just seems like: Jess Alba, Jess Simpson, the mean girl in your second grade class, a chick who's only in the first episode of a tv show. You know?"

"Uh..." Jim was starting to realize that the team picked the wrong diner to stop at for lunch.

"Jess looked like a James... But you... You don't quite look like a James. You look more like a _Chris._ I once knew a Chris... he went by Peter, but he looked like a Chris, too... he was also into space stuff. At least, I'm assuming you're into space stuff, based on your aura. You'd probably get along with him."

"Uh... cool." replied Jim, not quite knowing what else to say.

"He thought my name was Kraglin. Which, I guess, fits me better than Kirk, but still... weird name."

"...yeah, sure is..."

"So. Tell me, Chris," Kirk continued, not caring that Chris was in fact, _not_ Jim's name. "Do you believe the conspiracy that Michael Jackson is alive? I do. I'm almost positive I saw him at the market last week... or maybe it was Lorelai. I don't know, I was a little loopy from my medication."

"Um..."

* * *

 **Jim had to consider his common knowl edge. What kinda thing puts a damper in any conversation?... Uncommon interests, maybe?**

* * *

"I don't know who Michael Jackson is, to be honest," he lied.

* * *

 _ **'Maybe now he'll leave me alone.'**_

* * *

"Oh, that's a shame. Gotta love the Jackson family... That reminds me, I know a Jackson. It's his first name, but he's cool. Not as cool as Michael Jackson, but pretty cool.. He likes vegetables. To me, he looks more like a John, though..."

"I.. see..."

* * *

 _ **crap. It didn't work, he's still talking.**_

* * *

He needed out. Kirk would talk his ear off, and he couldn't take it anymore. And that meant pulling someone else into the fire.

Scotty had just finished ordering his meal. Jim sweated nervously. He didn't want to dump this Kirk dude onto anyone, it was too cruel. But he could use Scotty's help getting out of this conversation.

"Hey, Scotty!" Jim called with a silent desperation for escape in his eyes and fake smile. "Why don't you come over here and meet Kirk?"

"Kirk? Like you?" Scotty asked.

"It's his first name. He'll tell you _all_ about it."

* * *

 _ **'Forgive me for this, Scotty.'**_

* * *

"Say, your name is Scotty?" began Kirk, shaking Scotty's hand for a whole twelve seconds. " I know a Scott. Well, his name's Luke, but he looks like a Scott. He owns this diner, actually... But you look more like a... Benjamin. No,... Benji? Benny? Ben? No, wait... S _e_ an. Shawn? Shaun? Or maybe Simon... Simeon? Samuel? Yes, final answer, Samuel."

"Really? _...Samuel?_ "

"Yep. Hey, that reminds me, I once knew a Samuel..., well, his name was actually Dean, he dated Rory Gilmore for a while -come to think of it, Rory looks more like a Lillian.- But anyway, Dean looked more like a Samuel, too. 'Cause you know, Dean's kind of a more gruff name. Hearthrob James Dean, Jimmy Dean breakfast burritos... hmm, I wonder if there's any relation... You know, someone named Dean should be a leather jacket wearing, car obsessed older brother of someone like that. Not him."

"I'm... I'm pretty sure you just broke like 12 copyright rules, there, buddy..."

"Oh, don't worry. Nobody pays attention to those. This is a crossover story, there's zero legality to this at all to begin with. So, tell me Sam- it's okay if I call you Sam, right Samuel?"

"-...it's... Scotty-"

* * *

 **'Who _is_ this guy?'**

* * *

"Right. Did you ever know an Ethan, Sam? I met one a while back... his name was Logan actually, but he looked like an Ethan. You know, Logan should be like someone with adamantium claws, some obnoxious youtuber maybe... not Rory's third boyfriend... he seemed much more like an Ethan."

"...Ah..."

* * *

 _ **Nope. Scotty was already done.**_

* * *

Thankfully for him, Uhura walked over to the bar at the worst possible moment- for her. But she wasn't one known for taking anyone's crap. Maybe she could intimidate this awful Kirk fellow enough to make him leave.

"Wow, you're beautiful," Kirk breathed.

"Uh... Thanks, I guess..." Uhura scoffed.

"Say, you remind me of someone I knew once. Someone Chris dated -the old Chris, not the new one over there. - She was green, her name was Emily. Well, it wasn't Emily, it was Gamora. Which kind of sounds like Gilmore, come to think of it.- But she looked more like an Emily."

* * *

 **' _Emily?_ What is he talking about?'**

* * *

"...Which reminds me," Kirk continued babbling to her, "I met an Emily once. Lorelai Gilmore's mom. She was... scary. Kinda like you. But she looked more like a Zoe, which is kinda what you look like, too."

"Kirk, are you tormenting my customers again?" asked who the group assumed was Luke, of Luke's Diner, as he handed out their orders to them.

"We're just conversing," Kirk insisted "Besides, I, too, am one of your customers."

"Yeah, and I've kicked you out of my diner fifteen times this year. Which is sad when you take in account that it's only January. I can do it again."

"That's not a very nice thing to say to a paying customer, Luke," Kirk said, heavy and unnecessary emphasis on 'paying'. "Besides, you're causing a scene in front of these nice people."

* * *

 _ **Kirk groaned. Scotty grumbled. Uhura smacked her head on the counter. Luke coughed.**_

* * *

"Especially this nice, beautiful woman," Kirk added, patting Uhura's shoulder and leaning in closer to her.

"Permission to kill him, Captain?" Uhura whispered.

"Any other place, I'd say granted." Jim replied, rubbing his temples. "But this is a public restaurant."

"Stupid public etiquette laws," muttered Uhura, tucking away the gun she had been readying ever since Kirk opened his mouth.

"Let me take care of that for you," Luke said, pulling the gun away from Uhura and shooting Kirk in the chest.

"Ouch," Kirk said, pulling the bullet out with ease and delicately blowing on his wound. "That's the third time someone's done that today. I guess people keep forgetting I'm immortal. First Timothy tried to kill me -well his name's Taylor, but you know- "

* * *

 **The end.**


End file.
